Monday, September 24, 2012

Break ups and Heart breaks: What next? 1) I can't believe this is happening to me

Nobody truly wins after a divorce, separation or break up. With the exception of large financial settlements after departing, breaking up weighs very high on the trauma scale. The situation for both parties gets even more complicated when there are children involved. So what are the things that pretty much go over and over in your mind after a break up happens? Let's look at some of the questions and emotional statements that are replayed constantly in our mind and hearts.

1) I can't believe this is happening to me.
2( How did I get to this point?
3.)How could they do this to me?
4.) What do I do now?
5.) How am I going to move forward?
6.) I wonder if he/she is dealing with someone else. Especially someone who I suspected he/she was dealing with in the first place.

I am pretty sure that there are more questions/statements repeated over and over again or different variations of these mind numbing negative affirmations. Although there is nothing wrong with any of these; and they are perfectly natural, over time if these questions and statements persist they can become crippling and can contribute to a large increase in hormones and chemicals that can continue to block your progress. We will address the chemical side to love and breakup in the next post.

Let's address each statement and bring forth possible solutions that can help alleviate the pain and possibly bring about forward movement and overall life improvement after a break up.

#1 I can't believe this is happening to me.

It is natural for the brain to want to cling on to the past. The past is familiar and it gives us and our memory a nice frame of reference for what is safe. Very few people like to live outside their comfort zone and live a life that is filled with mystery and a bunch of unknown variables. Human beings do not like to be hit by surprise, especially by something as severe as a separation . For this reason the best way to counter the constant voice saying "I can't believe this is happening to me." is to stay in motion. Normally I am against busy work or motion for motions sake, but in the case of a break up movement is very crucial. The more time you have by yourself where you are not moving and you are still, you can pretty much forget any peace of mind and your emotions will take a serious beating.

Some suggestions for countering this dangerous and unhealthy trip down memory lane are to start assessing what it is that you enjoy in life. What are things that make you YOU? Most times in a relationship we may tend to lose our self to our partner and our children to the point that we are no longer who we use to be. We may get caught up in pleasing and sacrificing so much that we drop the core things that allowed us the blessing to be in a relationship and even have a family. So TAKE INVENTORY OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU LIKE AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Once that is done ask yourself are you able to do these things alone. If the answer is no, then that is OK.

The one thing that is vital in a break up situation is SUPPORT. Support from others allows you to take the blame and guilt away and allows you to start taking in the observation and assessment of people that truly care about you. Then ask yourself are you able to consistently participate in the hobbies and activities that bring you joy and that you have not followed through on with the people that you know. If the answer is yes humble out, take charge and ask them if you can setup a schedule where you all can engage in those activities that you have in common. Example if you love reading, ask one of your friends or families if they can join you in attempting to get in the habit of reading more frequently such as working on reading at least one book every week. Starting habits on things that make you YOU with people that care about you will start to give you motivation in areas where you really needed to be motivated but you weren't. In each area of your life that you assessed, find an activity partner that you can work with that you can partner up with to give you the positive habits to get stronger and progress.

If you have friends and family that are willing to become your activity partners, then you are ahead of most. If you haven't been able to create activity partners out of your loved ones, don't worry the 21st century is your gift and curse. Craigslist and Facebook are wonderful for leveraging human capital in areas of your life that you have found to become bankrupt in. Craigslist is packed with individuals just like you that are missing something and are looking for something. Search Craigslist for people, places and things that fit your goals and activities. The reason I am even typing these words is because I decided to take my own advice and search Craigslist for inspiration and people that reflect what I want.

It is difficult to get over break up and equally as difficult  coping with a break up. The most dangerous thing to do after breaking up with someone is to continuously judge and beat yourself up over the situation. The best thing to do while you repeat over and over again  "I can't believe this is happening to me" is to allow yourself the space and freedom to go through the extreme pain and trauma of getting over a breakup and simultaneously do a little each day the things that can best bring you back to your true self and do those things that empower you to get on a path and track of being a single person with confidence, purpose and direction. In the following post we will explore the role of music and suggest the best songs about breaking up and also list the most common top break up songs that best aide in dealing with a break up.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Role of Money In a Relationship

What is the role of money in a relationship? If a father is working hard and busting his ass to provide for his family by working 40 or more hours a week to bring home the bacon, but barely has time to spend with his wife and children, is that a real relationship? Maybe if every one stared making money and sacrificed time spent and real live one on one bonding, families would be better off. It seems that in this country, and maybe even other parts of the world the ability to keep a relationship together is severely dependant on material stability. If that's the case maybe we should bring our credit reports and business proposals on our first dates. I can see it now. A romantic dinner filled with stimulating conversation about our last paycheck and how easily we got the rent paid on time.Ooohhhh yeah your credit report is so sexy, I love the way your 800 credit score just shines so bright on your credit report.

Another suggestion! Instead of getting married in churches maybe everybody should get married in banks and walk down the aisle with fresh loan applications and atm cards so the bridesmaids and groomsmen have something special to look forward to when it is their time to shine. Even better, instead of hugging our children, telling them I love you and nurturing their development I suggest we replace the hugs with visa cards and iphones so we can prepare them for the real world and let them know that happiness with that special person is right around the corner if and only if you keep that bank account high. To be continued.........

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I never thought I would be in this position again, but here I am. As a man it is hard to reveal emotions to others because of how society is setup. However, I never really cared much about societies rules so I am going to reveal all. I am heart broken again and I honestly didn't see it coming. My fiance, my future wife, the only woman that I ever told I would spend the rest of my life with is changing right before my eyes. We always argued all the time, but now she has said things to me that I swore I would never hear come out of her mouth. This isn't easy for me to express because again emotions aren't something men are supposed to express. I guess that's why the prisons are jammed packed to capacity. There are a lot of things that are difficult when relationships end. The hardest part for me is the time, vision and goals that we set for each other are down the drain. All the positive memories and all the "us against the world moments are down the drain".

The worst part of this all is the children. Now due to the break up, I am officially apart of the visiting fathers club. I can no longer wake up and enjoy the sound and interaction of my children. It doesn't have to be over, but what do you do when a couples vision is no longer one in the same. I thought that this feeling would never happen after the first time. I thought that the fact that me and my fiance shared so many things in common would bond us forever. Well, either I was naive, blind or just ignoring the fact that everyone comes in your life for a reason, and those that come out of your life is also for a reason. Maybe the goal is to be attached to the lessons and never the person. I will continue this soon.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Love-The 5th Stage

What do you or I know about Love? That is the question my wife asks me as I tell her I am about write the final stage of love for women. So I figured I would start this blog off with that question. So what qualifies me to write about love? The first thing I believe qualifies me is the fact that I am human being. And being a human being I have what all human beings have. EMOTIONS! Now even cold hearted, evil and mean spirited people have emotions. Even if some emotions may be negative or misguided. Second, as human beings we had to have been conceived. And the act of conception to some degree involved feelings and emotions whether it was on a deeper or superficial level. The act of conception just by the sheer nature of the act implies sharing. And the very definition of share means a person or group allocates or contributes something. To contribute something even if it is unwilling and/or non-intentional contribution enters an individual into a relationship. And the nature of all relationships, most importantly human relationships, bonding or the fact that we are all connected. In order to exist two human beings had to connect and become one. They had to bond and unite. From that unification was born a whole new being. That unification is Sharing. As we ponder this almighty question so far we have discovered is that one thing Love is on the human level is sharing.

Sharing is amongst the highest forms of Love.

When you share you are practicing love. Sharing is how human beings contribute to the well being of each other. To share is communicate a message of love. To communicate that there is a piece of myself that that needs or wants to merge with a piece of you. Within the practice of sharing is communication. Communication, the sharing of information and data on all levels is a more technical and most times overlooked form of sharing. When my wife asked that important question of me and the fact that I pondered it and chose to write about is communication. When people read this and think about and take it further and comment about it that is communication. And by definition, communication is the exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings from one party to another. In other words communication is the exchange or giving of pieces of oneself to another and vice versa. To share is to communicate. And when we communicate we express love.

Communication is the medium which human beings can use to practice Sharing.

So for the first part of the 5th stage of love, I will give an equation for those that are confused by these words, or are so unfeeling that they can't relate to emotions but can mostly relate to facts.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Non committment

Now just to show that I am not making up what I write the following excerpt is a short paragraph from here written about the lack of long term relationships in India. That is right folks India. Apparently relationship troubles and the incapability to maintain long lasting love in a healthy relationship isn't just an American thing. Although the external factors influencing such non interest in relationships is without question %100 American.

(Psychiatrists believe the tendency to not-to make long-term commitments stems from bio-chemical hormonal changes that occur in body of an individual due to erratic sleep-awake pattern.)

I will keep this post brief and to the point. OVERWORK AND HORMONES are tearing your relationship apart. Please refer to the above mention article and all the entries of this writers blog if there is any confusion.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

A Cheating America

Is Cheating Really Worse These Days?

Experts say some amount of cheating is inevitable in any culture. When the first human beings set out the first rules for ethical behavior, there was no doubt some scheming wretch who started working out ways to bend them.

This early in morning(5:30am) the last thing I expected to see headlined as a news story was the story that I seen. After just finishing the last few pages of a book I was reading, I signed online only to be awakened to an article that read a little something like this "What makes people cheat?". For myself stumbling across this article brought about a joyous feeling inside of me. I didn't know if that feeling was due to my arrogance for writing about this subject for the past few months or if that feeling was due to some myth that I would have to dispel about the causes and effects of cheating and broken hearts. Upon reading the first page, I found that cheating(although you can really only cheat if you are playing a game) happens not just in relationships but EVERYWHERE. Although this is not surprising to me it did begin to make me re-evaluate the causes of cheating. If you have read the rest of this blog in its entirety or my other blogs such as this one or this one then you should know by now that this author obviously displays an affinity for highlighting the cause of Americas oh so humorous and absurd hypocrisies.

According to this article CHEATING is more American or as American as apple pie. Everyone cheats. Professors, scientists, lawyers(no surprise) and most importantly YOU AND ME. Yeah you can deny it, but WE ALL CHEAT. What does this mean for relationships? To a keen observer it can really only mean one thing. It means that how we look at relationships and pretty much everything else for that matter has to be looked at through a CULTURAL LENS. People cheat for two primary reasons. The first reason is lack of understanding of themselves and human nature. In a word ladies and gentlemen "DISCIPLINE" or the lack thereof. The second and what would seem like the most obscure and mysterious reason for cheating the relationship synonym being "infidelity" is CULTURE. At the top of the pyramid AMERICAN CULTURE. This quote from the article sums this up beautifully

"Societies [that place] the greatest emphasis on getting rich while having the fewest avenues to get rich in a legitimate fashion tend to be societies with the greatest amount of cheating," says Callahan. While there are plenty of legitimate opportunities to get rich in the U.S., Callahan observes that they don't extend equally to everyone.
He sees a nation that's obsessed with getting rich and terrified of losing out. We've been encouraged to think in Darwinian terms: We're all in a desperate struggle against each other to make it to the top. Failure is disastrous.
Experts note that the pressure starts when we're young. For some parents, not getting their child into the right preschool -- let alone college -- supposedly spells social and economic ruin. High school students are encouraged to fret relentlessly about college. They're pushed by their parents to get perfect grades, play sports, join a dozen extracurricular clubs, and take up esoteric hobbies or rare musical instruments in order to stand out to admissions officers.
"For young people, the pressure is greater than ever, and the competition is greater than ever,

I hope we are reading the same article. If we are then the picture is quite clear. Your relationship whether it is a happy one, a miserable one or just one that isn't one, then is doomed from the start. Not doomed from the sense that you give up all hope and feel despair, but doomed from the stand point that in order to create and sustain any loving relationship, then you have to first know what you are up against. Your primary ENEMY chief antagonist to your HAPPINESS IS STRESS AND PRESSURE. Two intangible forces that are dedicated full time to knocking you out from that happy place that your soul yearns to be in. And the two co-conspirators of those forces are American culture and YOURSELF. The two culprits that constantly make you feel that you have to compete and act like something that you are not in order to seek love and affection in every place except where love is stored. YOURSELF. So the next time that feeling of RELATIONSHIP BANKRUPTCY begins to withdraw from your LOVE CHECKING ACCOUNT remember what forces are responsible so you can best outline your most strategic line of defense.